I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
