She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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