just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
