I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
