he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
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This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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