i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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