so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
