Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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