wanna go halves on a baby?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
