Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize