By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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