Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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