The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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