i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
