The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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