Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
