I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
