I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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