just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize