we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You may now shotgun with the bride
i've created a new STD.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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