phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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