Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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