2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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