Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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