I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
