What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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