I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
