Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
