he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
