after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
