I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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