Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
