Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
