How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
