How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
