I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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