Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize