I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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