He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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