you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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