my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
