Someone shit on the floor
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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