if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
