what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize