And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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