I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
