I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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