I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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