Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
