um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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