I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
