why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
