Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
