Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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