Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
