just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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