i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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