I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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