i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
