i already hear my dad disowning me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
