he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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