That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
