tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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