the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
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He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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